I think of you do you
hear
the thoughts are fuzzy
smeer
your paint all over me but don’t
appear
cold and distant like the people
stop
inside this bus we all need
hope
to plant and water let it grow
block
your time and take a seat
rest
with strangers crowded in a little
nest
somehow today you knew me
best
the driver takes us to the same
direction
together yet to different
destinations
can you lead me out of this
congestion?
🙏❤️
I like the structure and form that you’ve used here – particularly the one-word lines when they are also one-syllable and quite ‘hard’-sounding words (e.g. ‘stop’/’hope’/’block’) – I have to admit I am less sure about the final three (‘direction’/’destinations’/’congestion’) which slightly slow the poem’s momentum which you’ve built up well earlier. Although the feeling in the final lines is there so maybe the rhythm shift doesn’t matter – and maybe even helps?
Hi Tom,
thanks a a lot for your feedback! Personally I am also split exactly the same way for the last three. On one hand, they are longer than the rest, on the other, they make the strongest point for me. Will think about it! :)