Dears,
Below you can find my entry. Hope you enjoy.
“It's actually the Milky Way”, said John.
But his companion was no longer listening. Looking out of the cave entrance he seemed far away.
So John looked out as well. It was a rare sight and even rarer was the occurrence that the air was so clear that you could see further than a couple of yards.
In this world where at the minute one is born with the first breath one takes they start accumulating debt to the government – the sole proprietor of all the breathable air, it was forbidden to even think of plants let alone actually own them. There were random checks for potted plants; trees existed only on paintings and every living thing that could photosynthesize was being torn out the earth and destroyed. Even the green paint was forbidden – so that people would not have any thoughts...
And his now partner had been caught and had escaped not only prison but capital punishment as well. How, was a mystery.
How he was apprehended on the other hand was a story that most knew:
The young man had been seeking out illegal farms for pine trees as they have more pure oxygen than the most. Usually people would go, sniff and walk it off on the way home. For some reason this guy decided that the only payment option he had was to deliver a shipment of tiny pine trees in little flower pots. But not before he did breathe some fresh air. Do you know what nearly-pure oxygen does to a person?
So, after and clearly out of his mind he decided to walk the dirt road back to the city. The sun was shining more brightly somehow. The drab brown of the scenery was somehow brighter. The smog in the air was shining in beautiful warm colors like pink and reddish and orange. The little pine trees were cheerfully poking his back from their hiding place. A song was on his lips. He was just wondering how people used to do it when they were not able to see the air they would breathe – how would they know what was in it and how bad it was - when a patrol stopped him. The senior fat bast- official had decided to show his rookie colleagues the way it is done so he stopped our traveler and asked:
“Where from?”
“There...” - pointing to the main road to the next town over.
“Where to?”
“Food?” - again not really sure what was needed of him.
“What?!”
“What?”
The Patrol guy started looking him up and down. Clearly he was thinking something was up. He sniffed and now our traveler actually tried to focus his eyes on the man in uniform standing in front of him. He had red rings around the eyes - in one of them a tear could be seen. His nose was red and runny and the patrolman looked kind of itchy. His skin – pale. Did he look like this just a while ago? He could not remember.
“What's with the new make-up they make you wear? It does not really suit...”
“Arms behind your head!”
“What? Why?”
“Do you have any plants on you?”
“Wait what now?”
“Have you been into contact with plants recently?”
“I...”
“Listen boy! You know that all the patrolmen are being selected to have certain qualities, right? Well, we can SMELL flowers and trees!”
Well, it appears to combat the illegal planting of forests and gardens the government had been recruiting and later on breeding law enforcement agents with severe pollen allergy.
They brought out a police dog that they have been hiding and let him sniff the perpetrator. The dog went around him couple of times, checked him and his back-pack and after looking him dead in the eyes lifted one leg and did his business on his leg. And because, apparently they did that only when they smelled forest he was promptly cuffed and dragged to prison.
“So... yeah... It is the Milky Way”, John repeated shaking his head and trying to get a grip and be rid of the chaos in his mind.
But he was not looking at it or even at him anymore. He was looking with wide unblinking eyes behind him.
“Wha...”
Frighteningly accurate dystopia!
Thank you :)
Want to go out in the forest and breathe in as much fresh air as I can after reading your story :) And the police dog - genius!
Thank you!
Hello Petya, thank you for sharing with us. It's an interesting take on the premise and certainly raises a lot of alarming questions ;)
One thing I noticed while reading however, was that you're missing a bit of confidence. The ideas are there, you know what the world is like, what the characters do and why, but you go a little fast sometimes, or seem unsure of yourself.
To bring this into specifics, words like "well", "apparently" and "appears" are often not the best choice for a narrator that describes the world - he knows how it functions and has to explain it to the reader, so there's no place for uncertainty. If it's a character speaking or thinking, that's another case altogether of course.
In terms of speed and pacing, there are a few sentences that are a little overloaded with information, for instance the 'In this world where..." Since you're just opening the story, the reader doesn't know anything yet and may need a moment to absorb one idea before jumping over to the next.
Overall those are both just minor things that can be easily fixed. Take your time and be confident! It's your world, you make the rules =)
I'm curious what you'll come up with next, this was definitely a surprise!
Thank you :)
Thank you for sharing your story!
You covered an entire dystopia in your short story! Good job! I genuinely like the idea of the "breath-taking government". I consider it widely applicable. The story addresses very meaningful social issues, and clearly concerns important ecological problems. It is metaphoric and literal at the same time. I want to mention the wonderful dialogue that creates just the right amount of tension and reveals what is happening with the necessary dramatic speed and straightforward sequence.
Thank you!
Love the concept - really strong and, of course, absolutely topical and relevant. I think you can probably afford to explain a bit less about the overall situation/fictional world, which would make it seem stranger and add to the suspense. To be honest, this actually feels like the start of something a bit longer - possibly even a lot longer! - which would then mean you can drop in background information a little more slowly as the story develops.
Thank you!