Hello guys, I'll just go ahead and share my entry submission. All critiques and comments are welcome, so don't hesitate to let me know what you think, whether it's something you like or something you think I can do better next time =)
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NeryOVcGLzMHLuFNYB5uOoLV3A9h78PRbyx8yT0hn4I/edit
Cheers and see you on Friday,
Well written! I have nothing to fill in the “criticism” field.
I liked it a lot. Your story creates an atmosphere, very close to one of my favorite movies (I mean strictly emotionally speaking), so I might not be 100% objective but I will do my best.
You successfully create fictional medium with believable internal mythology and history that the reader feels to some level familiar with. Completeness and wholeness of the plot. This could very well be a chapter of a book. The conversation between your characters have just the right amount of intimacy, trust and realistic wisdom.The frame composition is a good statistical touch. Great style, strong ending. Thank you for sharing it!
Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it! Which movie does it remind you of?
@Donny Andonov Ask me again on Friday! :-)
I like it as well, it reminds me of a Ken Liu story I recently read :)
Thanks for posting, Donny - I really enjoyed reading your story first time around and have enjoyed reading it again now. In the words of my first response, it's "really accomplished and releases information about the world of the story really well". At the most fundamental level, I simply like the whole concept - but there's also a really strong contrast between the characters and I really got a sense of a conflict - not between the characters, but within John, which is much harder to achieve. On a technical level, I think there's a bit of a 'perspective wobble' in the middle section - John stops being the 'viewpoint character' for a short period and an omniscient narrator seems to appear instead - but that's quite a common issue and is easily resolved (hopefully after the session on 'point of view' that's due in a few weeks' time!) The descriptions are spot-on too - sparse, but to the point.
One tribe, man!